The Courage to Be Disliked - Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi
~ 5 minutes to read
Overall impression
- I wasn't the biggest fan of the conversational format (the conversation is between a Philosopher and a Youth). It took like half the book to get comfy with it, but by the end, I felt like it made reading go by pretty quickly.
- Also, not gonna lie, I found the Youth to be pretty annoying at first.
- Overall though, I enjoyed reading it and learning about Adlerian philosophy. It was a nice mix of things I've thought about before and new ideas. There's a lot to digest throughout and I have a feeling it's a book that I'll reread again and have completely different takeaways.
Main takeaways from memory
- Don't take on others' tasks. Don't make yourself responsible for other people's anything.
- Confidence from being of service to others? I don't think I'm remembering this correctly, but there was a lot of meaning given to being useful to other people, and that confidence, or maybe value? came from that.
- Yikes, my memory is so not great, which is why I want to write these so I can remember things from/about the books I read.
Quotes + passages
In total, I underlined 21 (or so) passages. And dog-eared 15 pages.
Intentional takeaways + selected quotes
Adlerian philosophy = teleology
In the beginning of the book, the Philosopher contrasts Adlerian philosophy against etiology ("the study of causation"). They define teleology as "the study of the purpose of the given phenomenon, rather than its cause". So, rather than looking at the past as a reason why the present is the way it is (etiology), we look at our present goals as the reason for our behavior (teleology). Which I think makes a lot of sense, but also forces us to be more honest about what our goals and desires are.
A lot of the time, my (buried deep) goal or desire is to just relax and enjoy being. And when that's the goal in the moment, it makes sense that I feel resistance to pushing myself to do work that feels uncomfortable or requires a lot of effort. In that moment, I'm not struggling to work because I have a history or habit of procrastinating or losing interest in my work; I want to do something fun or exciting because that's what I truly want in that moment.
Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage. Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn't that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy. (35)
But if you change your lifestyle—the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself—then both your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will have to change as well. (38)
"No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on." (39)
A big part of my personal philosophy is that change is constant. I think that we are constantly changing and it's when we're not intentional with how we're changing that we grow more convicted to a belief or stuck in a behavior. A teleological lens seems to encourage even more of a disconnect between who you were and who you are. It's not that you are constantly changing, but rather that you, at all times, have the capacity to choose your behaviors and beliefs.
Horizontal relationships > vertical relationships
The idea of horizontal relationships really throws me off-balance. I love the idea of it, of us treating and seeing each others as equals, but at the same time it makes me feel so uncomfortable to think about positioning myself that way. Growing up I was often praised by adults for being responsible or smart, and I think that praise encouraged positioning myself in vertical relationships with other people as authority and this persistent underlying desire to be labeled as "good" or "acceptable" by them. In other words, I developed a habit of putting other people and their judgement above mine because it feels safe to have their approval and defer to their authority.
People who are obsessed with such a desire for recognition will seem to be looking at other people, while they are actually looking only at themselves. (166)
In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being "the passing judgement by a person of ability on a person of no ability." (180)
When receiving praise becomes one's goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person's system of values. (186)
To me, this is really the core message of the book: to maneuver yourself out of vertical relationships so that you can live in line with your own values and live up to your own desires and vision for your life. How do you do that? By having the courage to be disliked. And also, by separating your tasks and not taking on other people's tasks. Oh, and also also, by having confidence in other people to handle their own tasks.
There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made? (124)
All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you believe in. On the other hand, what kind of judgement do other people pass on that choice? That is the task of other people, and is not a matter you can do anything about. (130)
When one is not following through with one's tasks, it is not because one is without ability. Adlerian psychology tells us that the issue here is not one of ability but simply that "one has lost the courage to face one's tasks." And if that is the case, the thing to do before anything else is to recover that lost courage. (185)
Unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationships with a person better and for building a horizontal relationship. (215)
More selected quotes
When one is sad, one should be sad to one's heart's content. (218)
Labor is not a means of earning money. It is through labor that one makes contributions to others and commits to one's community, and that one truly feels "I am of use to someone" and even comes to accept one's existential worth. (221)
It is enough if one finds fulfillment in the here and now one is dancing. (249)
Not having objectives or the like is fine. Living earnestly here and now is itself a dance. One must not get too serious. Please do not confuse being earnest with being too serious. (256)
Closing thoughts
My cousin gave me this book; he gave a copy to all of the cousins on my mom's side. And I'm really glad he did. A lot of books claim they could change your life. I think the way this one could is by convincing you of the following:
- it's your life to live, not any one else's
- you have the ability and capacity to choose your behavior
- you are not above or below anyone else
Honestly, there's a lot more that could be taken away from this book. About work and life and relationships. Do I recommend it? Yes. Do I feel that I have more courage to be disliked? Honestly, also yes. Enough to live completely unabashedly? Probably not, but my courage to be disliked has gone up, and I think with time and intentionally working on creating horizontal relationships, it'll only grow.
- Read: Apr-Jun 2025
- Written: 18-23 Jun 2025
- Published: 25 Jun, 2025
- Last updated: 3Â weeks, 3Â days ago
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