digital sarah art joy

i can't stand the rain

my brain is bouncing between these two things: seeking something to consume, something that will change everything, something that will fill my stomach with courage and my hands with the right answers; and thinking about what can go wrong and what can go right and this idea and that idea and that totally hypothetical scenario and this totally real unfolding that makes me want to scream

i feel overstimulated and underequipped
i feel hopeless and helpless and clueless
i feel i'm spilling energy like a speaker spilling static
i feel heavy shouldered and like my feelings are lasting longer than 90 f*cking seconds

the answer can't be to just keep going
the answer is to just keep going
no, the answer is to connect
to move
to strive
to reach
to try
to fucking godman just try
to define the prize
and then keep your eyes on it

yesterday i was lamenting my aphantasic brain, wishing i could conjure hallucination level visions, but instead i just have concepts in my head, no lines, no suggestion of color, i only see what the lights in the room refract and reflect through my eyes and yet, i can see it, the future, it's split and fragmented, a shattered mirror of too much possibility and uncertainty

like a montage without a motif
like a collage of chaos

and my poor brain sees all that and thinks i can make sense of that, i only need a few minutes to mull it over and i'll have it all straightened out and ordered from biggest to smallest and categorized and tagged by location and the solution will be so evident

there is an atmospheric river flying through my city right now and i hate hearing it, it's not that i truly hate the rain, i think i'm craving a stronger storm. i want a downpour. it calls itself stormy, but i remember a metal roof in the tropics and sheets of water and hard drumming rain. i remember heart-pounding thunder and lightning that eviscerates your sight and in comparison this river is a backyard stream.

today, i think, i'm glad i can't conjure a red apple at the same fidelity of reality. i don't think i could trust my brain if the things it made up and the things it didn't appeared the same.

do you see the fragments? can you make sense of them?

#expressing